Starbucks

I love Starbucks. And, as of late I have had more memorable experiences there; M and I meet there quite often for coffee. It's nice to see someone I care for, and someone who gives me butterflies, in the middle of the day.

Things that are new since my last post which was in 2002: Family drama - LOTS of family drama. I hate it. hate it. makes me so sad. I will most likely blog about it just not now. Lauren is wonderful, dogs are fabulous, love my job. Just went back to CR last weekend (Labor Day) stayed one night with Dad and one night at Mom and Gary's. Took Ty with me; such good alone-time for him and me. I have a feeling I dont have much time left with him and the thought breaks my heart. Mom and I went to Ellis and downtown and Czech Village to observe the Flood 2008 devastation. I was very teary. Broke my heart. My old hangouts; bars, restaurants, coffee shops, Dad's office...all completely gutted, ruined.

I recently saw the movie "What Happens in Vegas" and Ashton's character doesn't want to gamble because he doesnt want to lose...and he doesn't believe in himself. Cameron's character spends her entire life and all her energy being the person everyone else wants and thinks her to be. I know, crazy that I am identifying with such a comedic parody however I really did...relate. I have never wanted a relationship to work because I was scared of getting hurt. I always sabotage them in the early stages, usually when I feel myself falling, so it doesnt get any more serious. And for a long time there (in my 20s) I remember that horribly lonely feeling of having no idea who I really was because I was so busy concentrating and working on being the perfect daughter, employee, friend, party-buddy, girlfriend, sister, etc. etc. etc. Looking back on it, it was very exhausting.

Now, I am happier than ever because I know exactly who I am. And if 'they' don't like it, fuck 'em!

Random thought - M doesnt seem entirely interested in me or my passions. We seem to talk about him, his son, his family, his ex (ug...another whole bag of worms) his house, etc., I dont know if it is that because he really isn't interested or because he has a different way of showing that he is...maybe he just doesn't pry? I feel like I know way more than I cared to know about his marriage, his ex-wife, his past relationships, dating, etc. and he really hasn't shown an interest in knowing my past experiences or where I am coming from. Granted, the "ex" factor is never fun however I do think it important if one cares to understand where the other is coming from. For example, my fear of being lied to - not cheated on - but lied to and betrayed... oh yeah - another thing, we haven't had the "alcohol" discussion. He knows I dont drink but pretty much hasn't pried. So, shouldn't that be a good thing? I mean, i dont really want to talk about it anyway but maybe i see it as a lack of interest?

Signing off for now....